Five Things I learned this weekend

1. Having a +1 membership card is a wonderful thing. I’ve been wanting to see the Chihuly exhibit at the MFA and decided this was the weekend to go for several reasons; it was the last weekend of the exhibit and it was free to all BoA card holders. But when the T pulled up to the stop, we were told that the line was around the block to get in. And it was raining. Hard. Thankfully the friend I went with has an awesome dad who gave her a +1 membership to the MFA for Christmas. So instead of waiting for hours in the long, wet line we went right in. It pays to be a member.
2. Just hearing the voice of my friends back in Memphis (and their little ones) makes me smile and want to hop on a plane. How I miss you all.
3. I was overwhelmed at the menu from a vegan Thai restaurant. I’m not used to having so many options.
4. Vegan/Veggie “shrimp” is disgusting.
5. I am a little crestfallen when I realize that my cat wasn’t curled up at my feet at all the previous night. But seeing her jump around in circles at the sight of me in the morning almost makes up for it.

My Spring & Summer Reading/Listening List

I realized today that I have gone through more books and audio books in the last two and a half months than I have in a long time. Here is a list, to the best of my recollection, of what has been occupying my brain these days. (I’m only including books that I read in their entirety and not the ones that I only skimmed for class.) Thanks go to Audible.com, the Leominster Public Library, and my brother for most of the list.

Aunt Dimity and the Duke – Nancy Atherton

Aunt Dimity’s Good Deed – Nancy Atherton

The Tent – Margaret Atwood

The Lost Symbol – Dan Brown – Audio Book

Naked Heat – Richard Castle – Audio Book

My Life in France – Julia Child and Alex Prud’Homme

The Gargoyle – Andrew Davidson – Audio Book

Stuff – Randy O. Frost and Gail Stekeet – Audio Book

Across the Nightingale Floor – Lian Hearn – Audio Book

Dune – Frank Hebert – Audio Book

Nineteen Minutes – Jodi Picoult – Audio Book

Fever Dream – Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child – Audio Book

Gideon’s Sword – Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child

The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie – Muriel Spark – Audio Book

Putting God on Trial: The Biblical Book of Job – Robert Sutherland

The Traveler – John Twelve Hawks – Audio Book

Additionally, I’m in the middle of the following and should be done with them shortly:

West with the Night – Beryl Markham – Audio Book

This Fine Life: A Novel – Eva Marie Everson – Kindle eBook

Best Friends Forever – Jennifer Weiner

I checked out the next two Aunt Dimity books from the Library to read on my Maryland trip for my cousin’s wedding at the end of the month and will be downloading some new audio books this weekend. What do you think should be on my reading list next?

Time Goes By

It has been two months since I left my life and independence in Memphis to move back to my old job and into my parents’ house—I house I had never before called home. There is a strange sense of déjà vu. Many of the faces at work and church are the same. But they are different. Five and a half years does not go by without leaving a trace. I am still floundering; trying to find my way. Most of my days are filled with work, 80+ mile round trip commute, lots of audio books, and family obligations. I’m taking the summer off of school to try to get settled. Not so sure that it is working. There are still a lot of unknowns: when/if my house will be sold to my friends, how much it is going to cost me when it does sell, and how long I will have to live in the guest room until I can afford to move out (hopefully closer to work). I’m not a big fan of the unknown and am impatiently waiting for a glimpse of the information needed to point me towards what is next.

Today is the one month anniversary of O’Malley’s death. I miss her dearly. She was so sick and weak, but held out as best as she could for me to get back to her. Such a brave girl. I stayed with her through the end; watching the light go out of her eyes and heard the death rattle after the vet’s needle gave her relief from her pain. She was cremated and I have her ashes in a small cedar box on the dresser with the handwritten sympathy card from the vet who only got to meet her twice. I pass by, pat her box, and think fondly of my special, temperamental feline. She is missed. I can tell that Daly gets a bit lonely. She sometimes paces the hallway or circles a room wondering where “sister” is. This last weekend was her first time alone for more than a day. She was very eager to have me home and I was eager to cuddle up to her. Maybe when we find our new home she will get to be the “big” sister…

O'Malley's urn, certificate of cremation, The Rainbow Bridge, and the card from the vet.

Statistic

Since my last post there has been a lot of change in my life that has left me feeling very much like a statistic and reeling in the wake of so much uncertainty. In February I was notified that I would soon be joining the ranks of those who had been downsized. While this wasn't a total surprise considering the lack of economical upturn at my office and some other trends I had noticed, it was still a shock that it was happening now. I was just a few weeks shy of my 11 year anniversary with the company.

A few weeks later (while still working), I found out that my beloved cat O'Malley was diagnosed with GI cancer. She had been having health problems since October and it just seemed like one thing after another--long lasting double ear infection, severe constipation & vomiting, and a resurgence of her gum disease that called for a good teeth cleaning. When the lymph node in her neck refused to go down and her weight continued to drop we did a lymph node biopsy. I got the news I was dreading: Her lymph node tested positive for cancer. O'Malley, estimated to be about 11 years old, has been with me for the past 9 years. It was just the two of us for the first few months in our new home of Memphis. She's been my comfort in times of great stress and sorrow. She's been my constant companion when I felt the most alone and unsure. And now, she had been given a terminal prognosis: just 3-6 months. Since chemo would not get rid of her cancer and only extend her life a few months but with considerable discomfort, I decided that I would honor her aversion to all things vet/needle related and treat her with steroids to help manage the pain. Now, two months after hearing the news on February 21, 2011 she is shrinking before my eyes. My only comfort when I trace her protruding spine and haunches is that she continues to purr defiantly and maintains an impeccable grooming schedule.

After much thought along with ever changing scenarios and after a short time of unemployment, I accepted a job transfer that would bring me back to Boston. Due to the short notice (just over a week to relocate back to New England) and the small issue of not only owning a house in Memphis but being woefully underwater, it was decided that I would join the ranks of the Boomerang Generation. Moving in with my parents is quite an adjustment. This house has never been my home. It has been almost 20 years since I lived with my parents full-time because I lived with my grandparents for a year before starting high school at a boarding academy and then off to college and out on my own. These first three and a half weeks have gone by quickly. It almost doesn't feel real yet. The lack of personal space feels like I'm on an extended family visit. The long week days of leaving the house before 7a and not getting home until over 12 hours later mixed with weekend visits to friends and camp give the impression that this is just a place to rest my head at night and do laundry. I feel no ownership of the room with a twin-trundle bed I sleep in--until recently, a playroom for the grandkids-- surrounded by piles of my belongings and framed photos of my nephews.

There is still a lot of uncertainty to be worked through including the possible sale of my house and consequentially how long I will need to remain a Boomerang Kid. As families are always a complicated mess of loving each other and yet being some of the most frustrating people to deal with, the other pressing question is: how long before it all implodes?

Super Simple, Yummy Stew

This stew is very forgiving. I was missing several ingredients, but it still turned out great. At least my roommate and her friend told me so. I served it with homemade rosemary & garlic pita chips (just add some rosemary and garlic powder to olive oil and brush on pitas when baking - 7 minutes in a 400* oven).

Moroccan Red Lentil-Bean Stew

(from A Beautiful Bowl of Soup by Paulette Mitchell)

1 TBS olive oil

1 cup finely chopped onion

1 tsp saffron threads, crushed

1 TBS hot water

2 tsp curry powder

1 tsp ground cumin

2 tsp minced fresh rosemary (or 1tsp dried rosemary, crushed)

1 tsp fennel seeds

6 cups vegetable stock, heated

1 15-oz can white beans, drained & rinsed

½ cup dried red lentils*

½ cup basmati rice

1 tomato, cut into ½ dice

1/3 cup coarsely chopped fresh cilantro

1 TBS tomato paste

Salt, pepper & tobasco sauce to taste

(Note, I didn’t have all the ingredients. I left out the saffron, tomato paste & tobasco, used 2 cups veggie stock and 4 cups water with a veggie bouillon cube & 2 packets of brown GW broth—all unheated, half a can of diced tomatoes w/ green chilies—undrained, and added extra curry powder & cumin. It still came out nice and yummy.)

Heat oil in a Dutch oven over medium heat. Add the onion; cook, stirring occasionally, until translucent, about 5 minutes. Meanwhile, mix the saffron with hot water and set aside.

Add the curry powder, cumin, rosemary & fennel seeds to the Dutch oven; stir for about 30 seconds. Stir in saffron mixture and the vegetable stock, beans, lentils, and rice. Increase heat to high and bring to a boil. Reduce heat; cover and simmer, stirring occasionally, until the lentil and rice are tender, about 30 minutes. Stir in tomato, chopped cilantro and tomato paste. Season to taste. Garnish individual servings with springs of cilantro.

It will thicken nicely for leftovers and is just a good the next day.

*Substitute brown lentil for red and increase cooking time to 35 minutes or until lentils are tender.

Cursed

I am going through one of those phases where nothing seems to be going my way and disappointment is at every turn. This has been going on for longer than I want to admit. I will admit that many people have it a whole lot worse—lost jobs, homes, loved ones. I seem to be plagued by a bunch of little things: major flight delays (basically entire days wasted), unexpected car repairs, an anxiety ridden cat on anti-depressants, another sick cat who after more than $1K in medical costs is still without a diagnosis and is not back to her old self. And that doesn’t even begin to touch on the rest of the issues I am working through in the personal, professional, and spiritual realms of my life at the moment.

I often joke that somehow my Karma got screwed up (just don’t ask me how). Unfortunately, I don’t really believe in “true” Karma so that excuse won’t work. The other fall back explanation for times like these is the idea that I am being punished for something. But that won’t fly either because I do not subscribe to the theory that God points His finger down and punishes us like that for our sins (besides, if you’ve ever met me than you know I’m sweet and innocent—once you overlook my high school and college years, that is). Yes, there are consequences to everything we do. And I fully acknowledge that I do my fair share of things I shouldn’t; some I am sorry for and some that I really am not “ashamed” or sorry for doing at all—even if I should be. And no, I will not tell you what those are.

But back to punishment. I can see how easy it is to jump to that conclusion. Haven’t Jews, Catholics, and various other religions promoted their God’s "punishment” as a way to keep people in line? As a way to explain hardships? And if the hard times, the times of chaos, or uncertainty and flailing about in life were a punishment by God then I might be more agreeable to them. I would deserve my unhappiness and lack of the fulfillment of my heart’s desires. There would be a reason—a logical, rational explanation. A clear consequence for my “unholy” thoughts or actions. But no. we don’t get to wrap life’s frustrations into such a neat package all tied up with the pretty red bow of God’s wrath. Nope. We just get to question everything in the hopes of getting an answer or even the slightest hint that we are on the right track for things to get better—even if it is only our attitude that changes. So until that happens, I’ll be sitting here going about my days wondering when/if it will ever be my turn for things to go my way or if I screwed it up with past decisions and bear a curse of my own creation.

From the Mouth of Pam...

This was written by my friend Pam Cromwell. It is very moving. What words come to mind when you think of breast cancer? Pink, Strength, Bald, charity walk? The list goes on ...

I myself have always just thought one word - DEATH.

Four years ago, I was diagnosed with Stage 3.5 breast cancer. This may not sound too unusual especially due to the fact that 1 out of 10 women seem to become diagnosed with cancer. But what made it unusual was that I was only 6 months away from turning 30. Cancer doesn't run in my family at all and besides going to the doctor once a year for a cold, I had never been sick.

Needless to say, my world was turned upside down. Hands down, it was the most humbling experience of my life. I did the normal treatment pattern which included chemotherapy, radiation, and even a mastectomy on the side where the cancer started. I did everything that I was told by the doctor and signed up for every medical study. But the one thing I did not do was become identified as someone with cancer. After about a year of treatment, I was declared cancer free.

Due to various reasons, last year I logically decided to have preventive surgery to remove the other breast. I did not want to have anything else to do with cancer ever again. Well, last year, when I had the preventive surgery they found the cancer came back just as aggressive, and mestasized to the bones. My stage was upgraded to Stage 4. Now, there are a zillion other things I would rather be upgraded to - car rental, flight or even hotel - but not Stage 4.

After this news not only did I lose control I lost my identity. For the past four years, I had been doing everything I could to be known for everything else but cancer. But something had to change, and since I couldn't change the cancer I decided to change myself.

Nowadays, I have chosen to embrace being identified as someone who is living with Stage 4 breast cancer. If there was a button, I would wear it. Why? Each new person I tell my story to means there is one more person who will learn that the face of cancer has changed. They will become aware and hopefully keep the momentum of helping fund research initiatives. Unfortunately, the reality is we are years away from a cure. And for my case, it's hard to find a cure when you do not know the cause. Realistically, doctors are now focusing on my quality of life, and overall body health.

This October, I am yelling from the rooftops that I am LIVING with Stage 4 breast cancer. To some, that statement may sound like a contradiction but to me it is simply the reality. I am currently working, studying, traveling, paying darn taxes, laughing, and the list goes on, all while a major battle is going on inside my body.

I'm sharing this with you because I want you to know that the face of cancer has changed and will continue to change. Research needs to be taken to the next level. But in the meanwhile it is not just about fixing cancer, it's about embracing change in today's world to accommodate people like me, who refuse to be identified simply as someone who has cancer but rather someone who is living with cancer.

- Live, Laugh and Love for the Cure. Next month my friend E and I are doing a 5K walk for Breast Cancer Research. If you would like to donate to our team, Pink for Pam, please click here. Thank you.

Thought For the Week

**SPOILER ALERT**

Here is what I came up with for tomorrow's joint SS program. If you are going to be there, please don't read this yet as I don't want it spoiled for you.

It’s Going to Get Worse Before It Gets Better

When I came home from vacation all that my cat O’Malley wanted to do was be with me. She would sit on my lap, sleep on my bed and even come into the bathroom with me. One morning she woke me up (by purring loudly and lightly taping my face with her paw) at 4:30a because I was sleeping on my side and she needed me to change positions since she wanted to curl up in the crook of my arm. While I very much enjoyed these cuddle times with O’Malley, I couldn’t help but think that something was wrong. She is not usually an affectionate cat and very much enjoys her solitude. One morning I noticed a little buildup in her ears and decided to get her checked out. Oh, the fight she gave me! By the time she was in her carrier I had a nice scratch on my arm and I was getting dirty looks through the mesh lining. But she wasn’t scratching trying to get out. She was resigned to her plight and hunkered down for the ride. She was quiet for the entire 3 block ride.

Another struggle commenced when it was time for her to get out of her carrier. But O’Malley was soon in the arms of a new-to-us Vet Tech on her way to have her claws trimmed and get all of her readings done. When they came back O’Malley was wrapped up in a towel like a kitty burrito. As she handed over my furbaby, the tech told me not to worry: The blood on the towel was hers. O’Malley had muscled through the nail trim (which she won’t even let me do) and her temp taking, but drew the line at having her ears checked and bit the vet tech. Turns out O’Malley was suffering from a very bad ear infection and was in a lot of pain. She hadn’t cried once and would still purr loudly, but her increased affection for me over the course of the previous days was her way of letting me know she was hurting. Don’t we do that with God? We spend more time in prayer and meditation when things aren’t going well for us. We seek God and his comfort when we are hurting. And He is there for us.

But sometimes feeling the security of God is not enough to heal us. Going to the vet didn’t fix O’Malley. We have to fight every day when it is time for her morning ear cleaning and her twice daily ear drops. In order to give her the medicine that her body needs, I have to restrain her and make my own kitty burrito. Sometimes I have to chase her around the house to back her into a corner in order to get her ready for her medicine. When God is trying to direct us on a path that will bring help and healing we often fight against Him. What God is asking not only isn’t fun, it’s distressing and uncomfortable. He may have to chase us like He did Jonah. But there is a purpose.

James 1: 2-4 explains that the goal of trials is a more mature character. The cancer of sin that is so deeply rooted in our hearts is not easy to remove. The chemo, radiation, and medication needed to bring an individual into remission from cancer do so much damage it is often said that the cure is worse than the disease. The cancer spreads and there is a new area of our life that we need to focus on. We get comfortable with our fight against sin and start to slack off on our treatments. A missed devotional here, skipped Prayer meeting there. We think that no one will notice and often they don’t. But then the skipped meetings become the norm. And if no one noticed you were missing, than you might as well just sleep in and skip church too. And no one will care if you spend Friday night cleaning your house and catching up on Facebook games or going out to dinner with friends. But God knows. He cares and He notices that we are missing from His life. And He wants us back whatever the cost. Our sin-cancer has flared up and God is standing by with the Hope of Jesus ready to start again the painful process of removing our desire for sin.

Romans 5:3-5 also tells us that suffering leads to perseverance and hope. Sometimes, like Job, our suffering is not for our betterment. It may be for others to see and know that we understand THEIR suffering. We can be a support to them and show them that God still cares. My friend Pam has struggled for years with breast cancer and was recently told that she was no longer in remission. She now goes to Philly every month for treatments. The special thing about Pam is that she is one of the most upbeat, God-praising people I know. She does not ask God “Why me?” Instead she asks “Who can I witness to? Which other cancer patients and their families and friends can I share the hope and goodness of God with?” Her fight with cancer has helped her share the Hope of Jesus with those who may not be reached by anyone else.

Whether we suffer to mature our characters or to be able to share hope with others, we know that we do not suffer alone. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 reminds us: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”

May “the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort” be with you this Sabbath day.

Eating for One

I like to cook but find cooking for one to be a bit boring. Most nights I throw the food pyramid to the wind and scrounge up whatever I find in the house. Mac & Cheese with canned tomatoes mixed in, check. Cheese quesadilla, check. Granola bar, check. But sometimes, like tonight, I get it right. I boiled up some small red skinned potatoes (skin on) and mashed them with some Earth Balance butter, sour cream, black pepper, dill, and cumin. While the potatoes where boiling away I steamed the head of broccoli I bought in an attempt to make myself eat more healthy. Next up, I pulled a roll of chickettes out of the freezer and fried some up. Here is the end product. I not only got dinner tonight, but two batches of leftovers so I have lunch for the rest of the week.

I Made That

(I posted this at Memphis' 1Thing blog earlier and though it would fit nicely here as well. ) Once a year, usually around Mother's Day, I invite the youth group from my church over to the house to make some crafts. We've made scented lotions, chocolates, soaps, etc. This year we made lip balm. I got the recipe from my herb loving mom who makes some for stocking stuffers at Christmas time. This is a quick and easy project that will help keep your lips protected all summer long.

Honey Lip Balm (makes 16 -18 containers)

4 ounces extra-virgin olive oil

3 ounces grated or shaved beeswax (or beads)

1 ounce honey ½ capsule Vitamin E, 400 IU or 1 ounce Vitamin E oil

A few drops of essential oil (Optional, I used peppermint)

Chopstick or wooden spoon

18 small bead storage jars

1. In a microwave or top of double boiler, melt the beeswax and oil together using a Chopstick or wooden spoon. Do not boil. If the mixture starts to boil remove from heat and allow to cool. (You can remelt it) Once the beeswax and oil are blended, stir in the honey. Then pierce the vitamin E capsule with a needle, squeeze out half of the contents, and stir in. Add in any essential oil you want at this point and stir in. Pour the resulting mixture into clean containers with tops. (I found it cooled very quickly, so pour it immediately before it has a chance to thicken too much.)

2. Let the lip balm sit at room temperature for 48 hours until it arrives at the proper consistency for spreading. You can carry a small container of lip balm around with you during the day, but you may find it keeps better in the refrigerator overnight.

I like to add a couple drops of essential oil for variety. Peppermint is cool and soothing. Lemon or orange taste good. You can add food coloring, but I like mine natural. Use your imagination and make a fun label for your products. Small plastic bead containers with screw-on tops work well for this if you can’t find lip balm holders. They make great gifts!

Company for Dinner

O'Malley has some stomach issues so it is quite common for me to come home to some new piles of chunky cat vomit (due to her gum disease, she doesn't do a good job chewing her dry food). Today I was trying to figure out why it looked so strange. Upon closer inspection, I saw that a whole family of ants had found a new buffet. Since O'Malley made her mess in the middle of the room the ant trail was quite long. Needless to say, I quickly drove to Rite-Aid and picked up a can of Raid for ants. It was quite satifying to see them die on impact.

Potlucking It

One of my favorite dishes to make for potlucks during the spring and summer is my mom's 7 layer salad. The original is served in a large see-through bowl (I use a punch bowl) and has the following layers:

1 head of lettuce (or 2 1/2 romaine hearts) chopped into bite-sized pieces

1 large bag of frozen peas

2 cans of sliced chestnuts

4-5 hard boiled eggs, chopped

1 small bunch of chopped green onions

Spread a large jar of mayonnaise on top (like frosting)

and finally, sprinkle shredded cheddar cheese over the top

You need to wait a couple of hours before eating for the peas to defrost. They keep the mayo cold so you don't need to worry about it staying out. As the peas defrost and people dig into the salad, the mayo thins out and makes an amazing dressing.

Since people seem to enjoy the 7 layer salad I thought it might be worth trying a vegan version. I have several vegan friends and thought that they might like to enjoy all the yummy goodness.

I decided to make it red, white, and green. Here is what I came up with:

1 head of lettuce chopped into bite-sized pieces

1 large bag frozen peas

2 cans sliced chestnuts

2 chopped red peppers

1 container of grape tomatoes - cut in half

Almonnaise* spread over the top like frosting

small batch of green onions, chopped and sprinkled over the top

*I made a double batch of the almonnaise the night before and used apple cider vinegar. I found the vinegar taste to be a bit overpowering and will try reducing the vinegar by one tablespoon. The mixture was very loose at first, but it thickened up nicely overnight in the fridge.

I think that the original is the best, but the vegan salad came out pretty good. It just needs a little tweaking. If anyone has a good vegan mayo recipe, please let me know.

The Day is Dying in the West

While my pastor and his family were on vacation I offered to help out facilitating their Sabbath evening Bible study (5p-7p). I was looking forward to it since I've never really lead out in a guided Bible study like this. Unfortunately, none of the members of the study showed up on either of the two weeks that I was supposed to fill in. I found this disappointing. Each week I waited an hour before I decided it was time to head home. But this week I was feeling a bit restless, so I took to the road and went exploring. I'm not usually one to just drive aimlessly around so it was an adventure for me. I ended up following Macon all the way to Fisherville, TN. What a beautiful little drive. It just so happened that the sun was setting as I was heading back. I don't remember the last time I was able to just sit and watch the sunset. In the winter I'm stuck at work and the rest of the time I'm usually too busy with grocery shopping, watching TV, or any other number of activities. It was the upside down cross pattern in the clouds that grabbed my attention. I'm fairly certain it wasn't an airplane trail due to the angles and thickness of the clouds, but even if it was it was a great end to the Sabbath. Luckily I had my camera in my purse. Here are a couple shots for your viewing pleasure.

Spring Has Sprung

The days are getting longer and the roads are lined with blooms. This afternoon when I went to change the church sign I noticed that there were some beautiful pansies and flowering bushes (I'm really bad with flower names) that were begging to be photographed. Too bad my camera batteries are dead. I'll have to fix that tonight. Here is a sampling of what Memphis is showing off these days. They are from the entrance of the Memphis Botanical Gardens. I snapped them as I was running to the airport after setting up for our job fair. Hopefully this Sunday will be nice and I can spend some time soaking in the Vitamin D.