Looking Back, Looking Forward

O'Malley & Daly

Today marks the one year anniversary of the day I had to put my beloved O’Malley to sleep and I have been reflecting on my life. So much has changed in the last 12-16 months that it feels like an eternity has passed. This last year (plus a few months) has been full of so many changes--highs, lows, stagnations, regressions, hurts, and happiness. I am currently weeks away from my 34th birthday. If you had told me a few years ago that I would be unemployed and living with my parents at this stage in my life I would have laughed in your face. This was not part of my life plan. By now I was supposed to be a successful business woman with a husband and kids (of both the fur and flesh variety). But here I sit trying to figure out what is next. Trying not to feel like a failure. Trying to find the motivation that I once had.

I’m on the cusp of finishing a degree that will launch me in an entirely different direction career-wise. This is both exciting and frightening. The lack of positive responses (and mostly, just lack of responses) in my quest for a summer practicum is extremely discouraging and has me questioning if this is the direction I am supposed to be heading. Or I am not committed enough—should I be spending time at an SDA university campus full time for my M.Div in chaplaincy? Should I join the military’s chaplaincy candidate program? But if I did, I worry about the responsibility I have as to my beautiful epileptic kitty Daly; will I not be able to give her the care she needs? She requires a lifetime (hers) commitment and I am willing to make the sacrifices financially and personally for that.


Where is the Easy Button?

A Stranger

I am a fairly shy person when it comes to strangers. My classic line is, "My parents trained me so well that even 30+ years later, I still don't talk to strangers." I knew getting a picture of a stranger for the February Photo-A-Day challenge was going to be just that, a challenge. These days I spend most of my time at home, at work, or commuting back and forth so running into a stranger is not a common occurrence. Additionally, Day 4 was a Saturday which meant that my main tasks for the day would be church and homework in the evening. Now I usually take the free ride and carpool with my parents for the 50 mile ride to church (I know that seems excessive, but I enjoy getting to see all 3 of my living grandparents each week), but my mom was sick and Dad had been up all night with her. Since I was slated for my first public outing as the new church treasurer--giving the offering call--I couldn't forgo the trip and visit a closer church. But, I digress. Since I know the majority of the church members at least by sight, I couldn't snap a pic there. In the end I decided to go with a shot of the driver in the car behind me as I was about to turn into my neighborhood.

Hands

The inspiration for Day 3's photo was hands. I was thinking of taking a picture of Daly's paws or a close up of Titania's polydactyl pretties,but forgot to do so before leaving for work. In the end I chose to share a picture of my hands as they often are in my cold office--gloved.

Thinking Ahead

As 2011 is wrapping up I have spent some time thinking about the last year and what I would like 2012 to look like. This year was full of experiences—both good and bad—that I had little control over. A couple examples are losing my job in Memphis, house drama, the death of O’Malley, Daly’s epilepsy, the birth of my niece, and a renewed closeness both with and to my family. I have had some wonderful opportunities this year such as attending my first ever Pink Party in New York City, meeting new people, advancing in my studies, and the adoption of Titai into our clan.

I have also seen myself grow more anxious and discontented; things that I do not want to carry into next year. So instead of resolutions for 2012 I have decided to start a list of goals and action items for 2012 that I expect will transform as the days, weeks, and months go by. This list is a mixture of things I want to reduce in my life and those things I want to nurture and grow. Each item should be something that I can directly impact; something that happens because of my choosing. While some things are a variation on resolutions gone by, the reasoning behind them is different. Other items are a result of themes that seem to keep popping up in my life. Here is what I have so far. Let me know how they compare to what is on your list.

Goals and Action Items for 2012

1. Warrior Dash with LadyBoyd - September 2012

- Cardio & Strength training is needed.

2. Reduce Negativity

- Consistent quiet time for devotions and reflections

- Limit contact with negative people

- Limit amount of time/effort spent complaining/discussing/dwelling on hurts/wrongs which not only contribute to my own negativity but to that of others as well

- Exercise (for endorphin release)

3. Declutter

- Physically – reduce possessions

- Monetarily – reduce spending and debt

- Diet – eat more whole foods, less processed foods

- Emotions – along with reducing negativity, setting time aside for journaling/blogging

Extracurriculars

As can be readily seen my attempt to blog every day this month has been less than stellar. While my blogging as been lax, life has been anything but. Outside of the normal working days, my extracurriculars have gone into overdrive. On the first of the month my new niece was born and on the 20^th was the shower. My current class, Systematic Theology I, is kicking my butt. The reading is very difficult and my memory retention these days is not what it used to be (as my quizzes are showing). I had a quick trip to Memphis to pick up the kitty that has since adopted my mom. The dynamics between the two cats has been less than ideal. To top it all off Daly had two seizures in less than two weeks which resulted in two middle of the night emergency vet trips (Tufts in Grafton is amazing!), lots of tests and expenses, and a diagnosis of idiopathic epilepsy. She started what will become a lifetime dependency on anti-convulsion medication this weekend. Thankfully, she is still as cute as ever even if she is shaved in some funny places Daly’s epilepsy is pushing me to find an apartment closer to work as soon as possible. She has to be given her medication every 12 hours and since stress is a contributing factor to seizures, having her and Titai live in separate homes will reduce the stress for everyone involved. Unfortunately, I am now more anxious for her in addition to trying to cope with the new levels of anxiety that have come as part of my move back to Massachusetts.

My goals for the upcoming month are to (start and then) finish my paper on the Theology of the Doctrine of Creation a little early, register and pick out my classes for next semester, have my house in Memphis prettied up enough (new carpet, etc) to get rented out before the end of 2011, find an apartment closer to work, and move (with Daly). Of course I have little control over the Memphis items, but have signed on with what appears to be a good property management company so I’m praying that it goes according to plan. Not being able to have any impact on what is happening is quite frustrating for a mild control freak like me.

Surreal

Have you ever had one of those moments that you think of as only happening on TV or in the movies? It happened to me today. I had just left my office building and was walking towards the street to cross over to the parking garage. My hands were tucked in the pockets of my buttoned up grey pea coat with the brisk November wind streaming across my face. I was listening to the sound of my high heeled boots on the pavement, thinking about my life and wondering if some of my recent decisions were the right ones as I know many of my past ones did not turn out as expected--not necessarily for the better. Walking in the deepening darkness I was suddenly struck with the thought that at that moment I was living out a scene in an Adele video.

Has that ever happened to you?

Slacker

I have been slacking off with regard to my NaBloPoMo duties. It is amazing how far behind you can get when travel and sickness make it onto your agenda. (Not to mention a fairly boring life filled with commutes and fighting cats.) I am finding it very hard to believe that today is Friday. I'm also behind in my reading for my current class, Systematic Theology I. That is some difficult reading. I am a girl who prefers plot lines and character development, so reading about types of criticism, theology, and philosophy and how they are interact is very slow going. But I must carry on since I have a quiz and discussion board posting as well as my research paper topic to submit this weekend. This morning I also realized that I've been slacking off on my coffee drinking. The last cup of coffee I had was Monday morning just before hitting up the airport to come home. This is surprising because, while I've givien up coffee at various times in the past, I have fallen back into my 2-3 cup a day habit. Darn you, free K-cup coffee at work! I started to notice that if I skip my coffee on Saturdays, then a mild headache starts on Sunday. Never a good thing to be so reliant on any substance except for air and water. But due to greatly disliking airplane coffee and then being sick for two days, coffee was just not on the menu. Though yesterday was my first day back at work, I was still feeling icky and opted for Green Tea with honey. Same with today. While I am not going to be so bold as to say that my love affair with coffee is over, I think it is time to make it a special treat and not a daily fix. Wonder how long my determination will last?

Comfy

Titai is adapting quite well to her new surroundings. She is soaking up all of the attention and is very good about not advancing when Daly notices her. Daly's anxiety is kicking in and she will stare, growl, hiss and run away when she sees her new sister. Hopefully, it will not be much longer before they can tolerate each other without the sound effects or bushy tails. I'm currently getting over my usual seasonal transition sickness that takes over my throat and sinus. I was out of work for two days and am having a hard time keeping track of what day today is. If only I was better about not procrastinating on my reading homework. I'll be cramming theology this weekend.

Weekends

There really isn't much that is better than just doing nothing with friends knowing that they expect you to be only what you are. It is that feeling of relaxedness. The ability to just be yourself without the stress of being "on" and the feeling that no matter what you say or do you will remain unjudged and loved for who you are. The ability to vent about the frustrations of being a responsible grown up knowing that they too refuse to live a life of ignorance by choice. How I've missed this.

What is Your Love Language?

I recently took a short quiz online to help determine what my love language is. It turned out to be pretty right on. The results echo what I keep saying in regards to one of the reasons behind my singleness: If you can't make me one of your top 3 priorities, then don't bother. In the past I've noticed that what hurts me the most is lip service that is never backed up. As this has happened repeatedly, with a few different people, I'm very sure that the behavior is not one I tolerate and will not put up with. I don't want to hear that you want to spend time with me; do it. Don't cancel. I don't want to be an afterthought. Ever. All the gifts in the world won't make up for it and I will remember it as you making a conscience decision not to make time for me. I don't want to be "squeezed in" when you find it convenient. Even in my friendships, I'm the most content just hanging out. Of course, hanging out watching something sci-fi related is always a good thing. Love Language Scores: 6 Words of Affirmation 11 Quality Time 1 Receiving Gifts 8 Acts of Service 4 Physical Touch Quality Time

In Quality Time, nothing says "I love you" like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Time Goes By

It has been two months since I left my life and independence in Memphis to move back to my old job and into my parents’ house—I house I had never before called home. There is a strange sense of déjà vu. Many of the faces at work and church are the same. But they are different. Five and a half years does not go by without leaving a trace. I am still floundering; trying to find my way. Most of my days are filled with work, 80+ mile round trip commute, lots of audio books, and family obligations. I’m taking the summer off of school to try to get settled. Not so sure that it is working. There are still a lot of unknowns: when/if my house will be sold to my friends, how much it is going to cost me when it does sell, and how long I will have to live in the guest room until I can afford to move out (hopefully closer to work). I’m not a big fan of the unknown and am impatiently waiting for a glimpse of the information needed to point me towards what is next.

Today is the one month anniversary of O’Malley’s death. I miss her dearly. She was so sick and weak, but held out as best as she could for me to get back to her. Such a brave girl. I stayed with her through the end; watching the light go out of her eyes and heard the death rattle after the vet’s needle gave her relief from her pain. She was cremated and I have her ashes in a small cedar box on the dresser with the handwritten sympathy card from the vet who only got to meet her twice. I pass by, pat her box, and think fondly of my special, temperamental feline. She is missed. I can tell that Daly gets a bit lonely. She sometimes paces the hallway or circles a room wondering where “sister” is. This last weekend was her first time alone for more than a day. She was very eager to have me home and I was eager to cuddle up to her. Maybe when we find our new home she will get to be the “big” sister…

O'Malley's urn, certificate of cremation, The Rainbow Bridge, and the card from the vet.

Statistic

Since my last post there has been a lot of change in my life that has left me feeling very much like a statistic and reeling in the wake of so much uncertainty. In February I was notified that I would soon be joining the ranks of those who had been downsized. While this wasn't a total surprise considering the lack of economical upturn at my office and some other trends I had noticed, it was still a shock that it was happening now. I was just a few weeks shy of my 11 year anniversary with the company.

A few weeks later (while still working), I found out that my beloved cat O'Malley was diagnosed with GI cancer. She had been having health problems since October and it just seemed like one thing after another--long lasting double ear infection, severe constipation & vomiting, and a resurgence of her gum disease that called for a good teeth cleaning. When the lymph node in her neck refused to go down and her weight continued to drop we did a lymph node biopsy. I got the news I was dreading: Her lymph node tested positive for cancer. O'Malley, estimated to be about 11 years old, has been with me for the past 9 years. It was just the two of us for the first few months in our new home of Memphis. She's been my comfort in times of great stress and sorrow. She's been my constant companion when I felt the most alone and unsure. And now, she had been given a terminal prognosis: just 3-6 months. Since chemo would not get rid of her cancer and only extend her life a few months but with considerable discomfort, I decided that I would honor her aversion to all things vet/needle related and treat her with steroids to help manage the pain. Now, two months after hearing the news on February 21, 2011 she is shrinking before my eyes. My only comfort when I trace her protruding spine and haunches is that she continues to purr defiantly and maintains an impeccable grooming schedule.

After much thought along with ever changing scenarios and after a short time of unemployment, I accepted a job transfer that would bring me back to Boston. Due to the short notice (just over a week to relocate back to New England) and the small issue of not only owning a house in Memphis but being woefully underwater, it was decided that I would join the ranks of the Boomerang Generation. Moving in with my parents is quite an adjustment. This house has never been my home. It has been almost 20 years since I lived with my parents full-time because I lived with my grandparents for a year before starting high school at a boarding academy and then off to college and out on my own. These first three and a half weeks have gone by quickly. It almost doesn't feel real yet. The lack of personal space feels like I'm on an extended family visit. The long week days of leaving the house before 7a and not getting home until over 12 hours later mixed with weekend visits to friends and camp give the impression that this is just a place to rest my head at night and do laundry. I feel no ownership of the room with a twin-trundle bed I sleep in--until recently, a playroom for the grandkids-- surrounded by piles of my belongings and framed photos of my nephews.

There is still a lot of uncertainty to be worked through including the possible sale of my house and consequentially how long I will need to remain a Boomerang Kid. As families are always a complicated mess of loving each other and yet being some of the most frustrating people to deal with, the other pressing question is: how long before it all implodes?

Cursed

I am going through one of those phases where nothing seems to be going my way and disappointment is at every turn. This has been going on for longer than I want to admit. I will admit that many people have it a whole lot worse—lost jobs, homes, loved ones. I seem to be plagued by a bunch of little things: major flight delays (basically entire days wasted), unexpected car repairs, an anxiety ridden cat on anti-depressants, another sick cat who after more than $1K in medical costs is still without a diagnosis and is not back to her old self. And that doesn’t even begin to touch on the rest of the issues I am working through in the personal, professional, and spiritual realms of my life at the moment.

I often joke that somehow my Karma got screwed up (just don’t ask me how). Unfortunately, I don’t really believe in “true” Karma so that excuse won’t work. The other fall back explanation for times like these is the idea that I am being punished for something. But that won’t fly either because I do not subscribe to the theory that God points His finger down and punishes us like that for our sins (besides, if you’ve ever met me than you know I’m sweet and innocent—once you overlook my high school and college years, that is). Yes, there are consequences to everything we do. And I fully acknowledge that I do my fair share of things I shouldn’t; some I am sorry for and some that I really am not “ashamed” or sorry for doing at all—even if I should be. And no, I will not tell you what those are.

But back to punishment. I can see how easy it is to jump to that conclusion. Haven’t Jews, Catholics, and various other religions promoted their God’s "punishment” as a way to keep people in line? As a way to explain hardships? And if the hard times, the times of chaos, or uncertainty and flailing about in life were a punishment by God then I might be more agreeable to them. I would deserve my unhappiness and lack of the fulfillment of my heart’s desires. There would be a reason—a logical, rational explanation. A clear consequence for my “unholy” thoughts or actions. But no. we don’t get to wrap life’s frustrations into such a neat package all tied up with the pretty red bow of God’s wrath. Nope. We just get to question everything in the hopes of getting an answer or even the slightest hint that we are on the right track for things to get better—even if it is only our attitude that changes. So until that happens, I’ll be sitting here going about my days wondering when/if it will ever be my turn for things to go my way or if I screwed it up with past decisions and bear a curse of my own creation.

Eating for One

I like to cook but find cooking for one to be a bit boring. Most nights I throw the food pyramid to the wind and scrounge up whatever I find in the house. Mac & Cheese with canned tomatoes mixed in, check. Cheese quesadilla, check. Granola bar, check. But sometimes, like tonight, I get it right. I boiled up some small red skinned potatoes (skin on) and mashed them with some Earth Balance butter, sour cream, black pepper, dill, and cumin. While the potatoes where boiling away I steamed the head of broccoli I bought in an attempt to make myself eat more healthy. Next up, I pulled a roll of chickettes out of the freezer and fried some up. Here is the end product. I not only got dinner tonight, but two batches of leftovers so I have lunch for the rest of the week.

Refreshing

DISCLAIMER: This post represents my personal opinions, beliefs, and sometimes struggles with the idea that if something is marketed as "Christian" it is safe for me and should be accepted. It is not meant as an attack on anyone who may believe differently. I've noticed that I've become more sensitive to song lyrics--especially lyrics on Christian radio stations. There are two songs that come on K-Love and I am compelled to change the station. Unfortunately for me, these are two of their "top songs." The majority of the Christian believers out there will have no issues with these songs, but since these songs are focused on dead people waiting for us in heaven I can't condone them. I hold firm to the belief that the dead don't go to heaven, but wait in a sleep-like state until the Second Coming (belief number 26). Matthew West's song "Save A Place For Me" is asking for the dead loved one to basically save him a seat in heaven. The second song, Steven Curtis Chapman's "Heaven Is The Face" is a little more subtle. While the majority of the song deals with his memories of his daughter the line about his daughter grabbing his hand to lead him to Jesus is the one that bothers me. It's because these two songs are all over K-Love that it was so refreshing to hear Mark Schultz's song "Love Has Come" about us meeting our lost loved ones at the Second Coming and the joyous reunion we will have with Christ. It is rare to hear a distinctly Adventist position on general media. It is quite refreshing.

Thought for the Day

Thanks, Mom, for showing this to me today. Psalm 86 (New International Version) A prayer of David. 1 Hear, O LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. 2 Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you. 3 Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long. 4 Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. 5 You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you. 6 Hear my prayer, O LORD; listen to my cry for mercy. 7 In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me. 8 Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord; no deeds can compare with yours. 9 All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, O Lord; they will bring glory to your name. 10 For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God. 11 Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. 12 I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. 13 For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave. 14 The arrogant are attacking me, O God; a band of ruthless men seeks my life— men without regard for you. 15 But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. 16 Turn to me and have mercy on me; grant your strength to your servant and save the son of your maidservant. 17 Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

I Did It

After a couple of weeks of debating, I decided it was time to dye my hair. It's been about three years since I last colored my hair. I'm not ready to commit to a permanent color, so I went with a 28 wash one. I couldn't find the right shade of dark reddish auburn that I have used in the past (or as Nanny calls it "Street Walker Red"), so I went with the next best thing: Midnight. I had forgotten how nice freshly dyed hair feels. I'm thinking this color will go over better than the pink spray in I sported back in October for a couple days. Then again, my mom told me that she thinks black is in poor taste and just looks fake. I disagree since I have dark eyebrows and brown eyes. Wonder if I'll miss my greys?

Picture Perfect

Last month the city installed some fancy schmancy red light cameras at a few choice intersections. I've driven in other cities with them, but was never bothered by them. These cameras take two pictures each time they are triggered and are set up to showcase the rear license plate. I see the point of trying to reduce the number of cars running red lights. Most people who speak about the dangers of red light cameras bring up increased accidents due to fear of being ticketed and shorted yellow light times. But what is really getting to me is the brightness of the camera flash--it's distracting in the daylight and blinding at night. The lights don't take in to account the legality of right turns on red and so the blinding camera double-flash goes off often. The flash is distracting it doesn't matter if it is for your right light or the line of cars that you are passing. Now, I understand that I have an increased sensitivity to bright light as a result of my Lasik. So my question is: Is it just me or does anyone else find the red light cameras distracting?

Change of View

With all of the Twilight madness going on, it got me thinking. I have no desire to read the books or watch the movies, but that would not have always been the case. Growing up I was all about R. L. Stine's Fear Street series and Christopher Pike books. The few times my brother and I got along was when we were watching scary movies--Nightmare on Elm Street marathons, Alligator. When high school rolled around, I was reading V.C. Andrews and Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles. Then I got hooked on Buffy, Angel, and Charmed on TV. But over the past several years things have changed. While still a fan of sci-fi (Doctor Who, Torchwood, Stargate), it's the alien and "future tech" shows that grab my attention--with the small exception of Harry Potter. I'm no longer sucked in by the vampire, demon, or otherwise undead variety. Scary movies only appeal to me if they are of the mystery/thriller genre. I don't have the stomach for horror or slasher movies anymore (even if they have a young, smoking hot Johnny Depp in them). I barely have the stomach for CSI and have had to take Criminal Minds off the DVR list. I still like police shows like Castle and CSI:NY. They seem more character driven and less gruesome. Does this mean that I'm growing up or growing soft?

Waiting

I missed posting yesterday, but had a nice Sabbath rest and Saturday night just hanging out. I wanted to share a poem that my friend read yesterday while she was leading out the joint Sabbath School for me. Hope it speaks to you, too. Waiting Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried. Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied. I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate, And the Master so gently said, “Child, you must wait!” “Wait? You say, wait!” my indignant reply. “Lord, I need answers, I need to know why! Is Your hand shortened? Or have You not heard? By FAITH I have asked, and am claiming Your Word. “My future and all to which I can relate Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT? I’m needing a yes, a go-ahead sign, Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign. “And Lord, You promised that if we believe We need but to ask, and we shall receive. And Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry: I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!” Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate As my Master replied once again, “You must wait.” So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting…for what?” He seemed then to kneel and His eyes wept with mine, And He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign. I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun. I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run. “All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be, You would have what you want—but, you wouldn’t know ME. You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint; You’d not know the power that I give to the faint; “You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair; You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there; You’d not know the joy of resting in Me When darkness and silence were all you could see. “You’d never experience the fullness of love As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove; You’d know that I give and I save… (for a start) But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart. “The glow of My comfort late into the night, The faith that I give when you walk without sight. The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST. “You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee, What it means that ‘My grace is sufficient for thee.’ Yes, your dreams for your loved ones overnight would come true, But, oh the loss! If I lost what I’m doing in you! “So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see THAT THE GREATEST OF GIFTS IS TO GET TO KNOW ME. And though oft may my answers seem terribly late, My wisest of answers is still but to WAIT.” --Author Unknown Satisfy My Thirsty Soul by Linda Dillow