Five Things I learned this weekend

1. Having a +1 membership card is a wonderful thing. I’ve been wanting to see the Chihuly exhibit at the MFA and decided this was the weekend to go for several reasons; it was the last weekend of the exhibit and it was free to all BoA card holders. But when the T pulled up to the stop, we were told that the line was around the block to get in. And it was raining. Hard. Thankfully the friend I went with has an awesome dad who gave her a +1 membership to the MFA for Christmas. So instead of waiting for hours in the long, wet line we went right in. It pays to be a member.
2. Just hearing the voice of my friends back in Memphis (and their little ones) makes me smile and want to hop on a plane. How I miss you all.
3. I was overwhelmed at the menu from a vegan Thai restaurant. I’m not used to having so many options.
4. Vegan/Veggie “shrimp” is disgusting.
5. I am a little crestfallen when I realize that my cat wasn’t curled up at my feet at all the previous night. But seeing her jump around in circles at the sight of me in the morning almost makes up for it.

My Spring & Summer Reading/Listening List

I realized today that I have gone through more books and audio books in the last two and a half months than I have in a long time. Here is a list, to the best of my recollection, of what has been occupying my brain these days. (I’m only including books that I read in their entirety and not the ones that I only skimmed for class.) Thanks go to Audible.com, the Leominster Public Library, and my brother for most of the list.

Aunt Dimity and the Duke – Nancy Atherton

Aunt Dimity’s Good Deed – Nancy Atherton

The Tent – Margaret Atwood

The Lost Symbol – Dan Brown – Audio Book

Naked Heat – Richard Castle – Audio Book

My Life in France – Julia Child and Alex Prud’Homme

The Gargoyle – Andrew Davidson – Audio Book

Stuff – Randy O. Frost and Gail Stekeet – Audio Book

Across the Nightingale Floor – Lian Hearn – Audio Book

Dune – Frank Hebert – Audio Book

Nineteen Minutes – Jodi Picoult – Audio Book

Fever Dream – Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child – Audio Book

Gideon’s Sword – Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child

The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie – Muriel Spark – Audio Book

Putting God on Trial: The Biblical Book of Job – Robert Sutherland

The Traveler – John Twelve Hawks – Audio Book

Additionally, I’m in the middle of the following and should be done with them shortly:

West with the Night – Beryl Markham – Audio Book

This Fine Life: A Novel – Eva Marie Everson – Kindle eBook

Best Friends Forever – Jennifer Weiner

I checked out the next two Aunt Dimity books from the Library to read on my Maryland trip for my cousin’s wedding at the end of the month and will be downloading some new audio books this weekend. What do you think should be on my reading list next?

Time Goes By

It has been two months since I left my life and independence in Memphis to move back to my old job and into my parents’ house—I house I had never before called home. There is a strange sense of déjà vu. Many of the faces at work and church are the same. But they are different. Five and a half years does not go by without leaving a trace. I am still floundering; trying to find my way. Most of my days are filled with work, 80+ mile round trip commute, lots of audio books, and family obligations. I’m taking the summer off of school to try to get settled. Not so sure that it is working. There are still a lot of unknowns: when/if my house will be sold to my friends, how much it is going to cost me when it does sell, and how long I will have to live in the guest room until I can afford to move out (hopefully closer to work). I’m not a big fan of the unknown and am impatiently waiting for a glimpse of the information needed to point me towards what is next.

Today is the one month anniversary of O’Malley’s death. I miss her dearly. She was so sick and weak, but held out as best as she could for me to get back to her. Such a brave girl. I stayed with her through the end; watching the light go out of her eyes and heard the death rattle after the vet’s needle gave her relief from her pain. She was cremated and I have her ashes in a small cedar box on the dresser with the handwritten sympathy card from the vet who only got to meet her twice. I pass by, pat her box, and think fondly of my special, temperamental feline. She is missed. I can tell that Daly gets a bit lonely. She sometimes paces the hallway or circles a room wondering where “sister” is. This last weekend was her first time alone for more than a day. She was very eager to have me home and I was eager to cuddle up to her. Maybe when we find our new home she will get to be the “big” sister…

O'Malley's urn, certificate of cremation, The Rainbow Bridge, and the card from the vet.

Statistic

Since my last post there has been a lot of change in my life that has left me feeling very much like a statistic and reeling in the wake of so much uncertainty. In February I was notified that I would soon be joining the ranks of those who had been downsized. While this wasn't a total surprise considering the lack of economical upturn at my office and some other trends I had noticed, it was still a shock that it was happening now. I was just a few weeks shy of my 11 year anniversary with the company.

A few weeks later (while still working), I found out that my beloved cat O'Malley was diagnosed with GI cancer. She had been having health problems since October and it just seemed like one thing after another--long lasting double ear infection, severe constipation & vomiting, and a resurgence of her gum disease that called for a good teeth cleaning. When the lymph node in her neck refused to go down and her weight continued to drop we did a lymph node biopsy. I got the news I was dreading: Her lymph node tested positive for cancer. O'Malley, estimated to be about 11 years old, has been with me for the past 9 years. It was just the two of us for the first few months in our new home of Memphis. She's been my comfort in times of great stress and sorrow. She's been my constant companion when I felt the most alone and unsure. And now, she had been given a terminal prognosis: just 3-6 months. Since chemo would not get rid of her cancer and only extend her life a few months but with considerable discomfort, I decided that I would honor her aversion to all things vet/needle related and treat her with steroids to help manage the pain. Now, two months after hearing the news on February 21, 2011 she is shrinking before my eyes. My only comfort when I trace her protruding spine and haunches is that she continues to purr defiantly and maintains an impeccable grooming schedule.

After much thought along with ever changing scenarios and after a short time of unemployment, I accepted a job transfer that would bring me back to Boston. Due to the short notice (just over a week to relocate back to New England) and the small issue of not only owning a house in Memphis but being woefully underwater, it was decided that I would join the ranks of the Boomerang Generation. Moving in with my parents is quite an adjustment. This house has never been my home. It has been almost 20 years since I lived with my parents full-time because I lived with my grandparents for a year before starting high school at a boarding academy and then off to college and out on my own. These first three and a half weeks have gone by quickly. It almost doesn't feel real yet. The lack of personal space feels like I'm on an extended family visit. The long week days of leaving the house before 7a and not getting home until over 12 hours later mixed with weekend visits to friends and camp give the impression that this is just a place to rest my head at night and do laundry. I feel no ownership of the room with a twin-trundle bed I sleep in--until recently, a playroom for the grandkids-- surrounded by piles of my belongings and framed photos of my nephews.

There is still a lot of uncertainty to be worked through including the possible sale of my house and consequentially how long I will need to remain a Boomerang Kid. As families are always a complicated mess of loving each other and yet being some of the most frustrating people to deal with, the other pressing question is: how long before it all implodes?

Super Simple, Yummy Stew

This stew is very forgiving. I was missing several ingredients, but it still turned out great. At least my roommate and her friend told me so. I served it with homemade rosemary & garlic pita chips (just add some rosemary and garlic powder to olive oil and brush on pitas when baking - 7 minutes in a 400* oven).

Moroccan Red Lentil-Bean Stew

(from A Beautiful Bowl of Soup by Paulette Mitchell)

1 TBS olive oil

1 cup finely chopped onion

1 tsp saffron threads, crushed

1 TBS hot water

2 tsp curry powder

1 tsp ground cumin

2 tsp minced fresh rosemary (or 1tsp dried rosemary, crushed)

1 tsp fennel seeds

6 cups vegetable stock, heated

1 15-oz can white beans, drained & rinsed

½ cup dried red lentils*

½ cup basmati rice

1 tomato, cut into ½ dice

1/3 cup coarsely chopped fresh cilantro

1 TBS tomato paste

Salt, pepper & tobasco sauce to taste

(Note, I didn’t have all the ingredients. I left out the saffron, tomato paste & tobasco, used 2 cups veggie stock and 4 cups water with a veggie bouillon cube & 2 packets of brown GW broth—all unheated, half a can of diced tomatoes w/ green chilies—undrained, and added extra curry powder & cumin. It still came out nice and yummy.)

Heat oil in a Dutch oven over medium heat. Add the onion; cook, stirring occasionally, until translucent, about 5 minutes. Meanwhile, mix the saffron with hot water and set aside.

Add the curry powder, cumin, rosemary & fennel seeds to the Dutch oven; stir for about 30 seconds. Stir in saffron mixture and the vegetable stock, beans, lentils, and rice. Increase heat to high and bring to a boil. Reduce heat; cover and simmer, stirring occasionally, until the lentil and rice are tender, about 30 minutes. Stir in tomato, chopped cilantro and tomato paste. Season to taste. Garnish individual servings with springs of cilantro.

It will thicken nicely for leftovers and is just a good the next day.

*Substitute brown lentil for red and increase cooking time to 35 minutes or until lentils are tender.

Cursed

I am going through one of those phases where nothing seems to be going my way and disappointment is at every turn. This has been going on for longer than I want to admit. I will admit that many people have it a whole lot worse—lost jobs, homes, loved ones. I seem to be plagued by a bunch of little things: major flight delays (basically entire days wasted), unexpected car repairs, an anxiety ridden cat on anti-depressants, another sick cat who after more than $1K in medical costs is still without a diagnosis and is not back to her old self. And that doesn’t even begin to touch on the rest of the issues I am working through in the personal, professional, and spiritual realms of my life at the moment.

I often joke that somehow my Karma got screwed up (just don’t ask me how). Unfortunately, I don’t really believe in “true” Karma so that excuse won’t work. The other fall back explanation for times like these is the idea that I am being punished for something. But that won’t fly either because I do not subscribe to the theory that God points His finger down and punishes us like that for our sins (besides, if you’ve ever met me than you know I’m sweet and innocent—once you overlook my high school and college years, that is). Yes, there are consequences to everything we do. And I fully acknowledge that I do my fair share of things I shouldn’t; some I am sorry for and some that I really am not “ashamed” or sorry for doing at all—even if I should be. And no, I will not tell you what those are.

But back to punishment. I can see how easy it is to jump to that conclusion. Haven’t Jews, Catholics, and various other religions promoted their God’s "punishment” as a way to keep people in line? As a way to explain hardships? And if the hard times, the times of chaos, or uncertainty and flailing about in life were a punishment by God then I might be more agreeable to them. I would deserve my unhappiness and lack of the fulfillment of my heart’s desires. There would be a reason—a logical, rational explanation. A clear consequence for my “unholy” thoughts or actions. But no. we don’t get to wrap life’s frustrations into such a neat package all tied up with the pretty red bow of God’s wrath. Nope. We just get to question everything in the hopes of getting an answer or even the slightest hint that we are on the right track for things to get better—even if it is only our attitude that changes. So until that happens, I’ll be sitting here going about my days wondering when/if it will ever be my turn for things to go my way or if I screwed it up with past decisions and bear a curse of my own creation.

From the Mouth of Pam...

This was written by my friend Pam Cromwell. It is very moving. What words come to mind when you think of breast cancer? Pink, Strength, Bald, charity walk? The list goes on ...

I myself have always just thought one word - DEATH.

Four years ago, I was diagnosed with Stage 3.5 breast cancer. This may not sound too unusual especially due to the fact that 1 out of 10 women seem to become diagnosed with cancer. But what made it unusual was that I was only 6 months away from turning 30. Cancer doesn't run in my family at all and besides going to the doctor once a year for a cold, I had never been sick.

Needless to say, my world was turned upside down. Hands down, it was the most humbling experience of my life. I did the normal treatment pattern which included chemotherapy, radiation, and even a mastectomy on the side where the cancer started. I did everything that I was told by the doctor and signed up for every medical study. But the one thing I did not do was become identified as someone with cancer. After about a year of treatment, I was declared cancer free.

Due to various reasons, last year I logically decided to have preventive surgery to remove the other breast. I did not want to have anything else to do with cancer ever again. Well, last year, when I had the preventive surgery they found the cancer came back just as aggressive, and mestasized to the bones. My stage was upgraded to Stage 4. Now, there are a zillion other things I would rather be upgraded to - car rental, flight or even hotel - but not Stage 4.

After this news not only did I lose control I lost my identity. For the past four years, I had been doing everything I could to be known for everything else but cancer. But something had to change, and since I couldn't change the cancer I decided to change myself.

Nowadays, I have chosen to embrace being identified as someone who is living with Stage 4 breast cancer. If there was a button, I would wear it. Why? Each new person I tell my story to means there is one more person who will learn that the face of cancer has changed. They will become aware and hopefully keep the momentum of helping fund research initiatives. Unfortunately, the reality is we are years away from a cure. And for my case, it's hard to find a cure when you do not know the cause. Realistically, doctors are now focusing on my quality of life, and overall body health.

This October, I am yelling from the rooftops that I am LIVING with Stage 4 breast cancer. To some, that statement may sound like a contradiction but to me it is simply the reality. I am currently working, studying, traveling, paying darn taxes, laughing, and the list goes on, all while a major battle is going on inside my body.

I'm sharing this with you because I want you to know that the face of cancer has changed and will continue to change. Research needs to be taken to the next level. But in the meanwhile it is not just about fixing cancer, it's about embracing change in today's world to accommodate people like me, who refuse to be identified simply as someone who has cancer but rather someone who is living with cancer.

- Live, Laugh and Love for the Cure. Next month my friend E and I are doing a 5K walk for Breast Cancer Research. If you would like to donate to our team, Pink for Pam, please click here. Thank you.