Wednesday, December 01, 2010


I am going through one of those phases where nothing seems to be going my way and disappointment is at every turn. This has been going on for longer than I want to admit. I will admit that many people have it a whole lot worse—lost jobs, homes, loved ones. I seem to be plagued by a bunch of little things: major flight delays (basically entire days wasted), unexpected car repairs, an anxiety ridden cat on anti-depressants, another sick cat who after more than $1K in medical costs is still without a diagnosis and is not back to her old self. And that doesn’t even begin to touch on the rest of the issues I am working through in the personal, professional, and spiritual realms of my life at the moment.

I often joke that somehow my Karma got screwed up (just don’t ask me how). Unfortunately, I don’t really believe in “true” Karma so that excuse won’t work. The other fall back explanation for times like these is the idea that I am being punished for something. But that won’t fly either because I do not subscribe to the theory that God points His finger down and punishes us like that for our sins (besides, if you’ve ever met me than you know I’m sweet and innocent—once you overlook my high school and college years, that is). Yes, there are consequences to everything we do. And I fully acknowledge that I do my fair share of things I shouldn’t; some I am sorry for and some that I really am not “ashamed” or sorry for doing at all—even if I should be. And no, I will not tell you what those are.

But back to punishment. I can see how easy it is to jump to that conclusion. Haven’t Jews, Catholics, and various other religions promoted their God’s "punishment” as a way to keep people in line? As a way to explain hardships? And if the hard times, the times of chaos, or uncertainty and flailing about in life were a punishment by God then I might be more agreeable to them. I would deserve my unhappiness and lack of the fulfillment of my heart’s desires. There would be a reason—a logical, rational explanation. A clear consequence for my “unholy” thoughts or actions. But no. we don’t get to wrap life’s frustrations into such a neat package all tied up with the pretty red bow of God’s wrath. Nope. We just get to question everything in the hopes of getting an answer or even the slightest hint that we are on the right track for things to get better—even if it is only our attitude that changes. So until that happens, I’ll be sitting here going about my days wondering when/if it will ever be my turn for things to go my way or if I screwed it up with past decisions and bear a curse of my own creation.