Thursday, August 07, 2008

How God Used an Internet Outage

Late last month we had an Internet outage at work. Since our email, accounting system, and of course the Internet were all down I decided to do something I haven't done in a while--go to a book store. I went in looking for a prayer journal. Not one of those dated daily prayer list books, more of a blank paged (inexpensive) journal that I could write out prayers in. The thought is that I am less likely to get distracted if I'm writing my prayers down. Anyway, I decided to look in the Religious Studies section first. Since this is the Bible Belt, the Religious Studies section is quite large and well stocked. I don't know why I decided to pick up He Loves Me, He Loves Me NOT by Trish Ryan, but it called out to me. I'm not usually drawn to all of the "poor single me, why is God doing this to me, I can't live a complete life without a husband, I'm cursed and no one will love me and I have no value because I have a barren womb" books. But since I couldn't get this book out of my head, I shelled out the $19.99 and brought it back to the office. Everything was still down and I had no desire to file--I will never have a desire to file--so I started reading. It was funny, honest, and not too preachy. Ryan's style reminded me of Jennifer Weiner, one of the few chick-lit authors I enjoy. By the end of the night I was 150 pages in and I finished the next day. (For me to devour books at this rate a trip to Oxford, ME is usually needed.) This book really spoke to me. Specifically, this prayer that Ryan used was a slap upside the head: "When you send the right guy Lord, let him make his intentions clear. Protect us from ambiguity. If he's your man, let him make the first move towards me, and let him want the type of relationship You created for us--exclusive, devoted, contemplating marriage. Don't let me get all worked up again on the wrong guy." I immediately copied down this quote in my new prayer journal and made copies for my bibles. Why did this strike a cord? Well, just before I started reading this book I was making arrangements to visit MPC in Boston, a former flame who seemed to want to reignite the spark but would close down (ie, vanish or ignore any plan prep I asked him about) when it came down to actual plan making. I couldn't read him or figure out what he really wanted. Did he just want to try to sleep to me? to date me? or just act like it? I was starting to get worked up over his current vanishing act. When I finished the book I realized that Easter-only-Catholic MPC was MIA because he wasn't the man God wanted me to be with. Once I stopped trying to make God honor my decisions, all desire to have any sort of non-platonic relationship with MPC disappeared. Sometimes I really hate being so stubborn and hard headed.

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