Sunday, March 25, 2007

Just me?

Have you ever been in a crowd (of any size) and felt completely alone? Tonight I went to a local rock club to see Skillet. This was a station-sponsored event and the potential for free admission was key (the record rep was supposed to put me on the list this afternoon, but it didn’t end up that way). I really enjoy concerts and smaller venues are better in my opinion. I think this is due in part to the fact that I have no musical talent whatsoever but know a large amount of people who do. Anyway, I made it to the club only to be told I was not on the list. I paid my $17 and waded through the crowd until I got a semi-decent view. All I could think about was how much better the acoustic set was this afternoon and the fact that in this crowd of hundreds I was completely alone. (I felt the same way in the crowd of a dozen or two at the acoustic show too.) This is something that is starting to get to me. I have always thought of myself as an independent person. I am financially independent, have a good job, live on my own, can cook, and even run a power tool or two. Lately I no longer feel independent; I feel alone. I sit alone at church; I either sit with strangers or annoying children at potluck. Ninety-nine percent of the time that I leave my apartment it is to go somewhere alone. I shop alone, eat fast food alone, rent movies alone, and watch TV alone. I know this shouldn't bother me. But it does. I even feel alone when I’m with others. Last week at Ever praise E & L came with me. We rode to church together and sat in the same pew. It felt no different then the times I sit by myself. Even when E joined me at Festival of Faith, I had the same issue. I wish I knew why this is becoming such an issue. I do believe that the worst part is that I’m extremely angry at myself for getting so worked up about it. On a completely unrelated note: I think that Memphians are descended from Pygmies. I've never seen so many height challenged people in my life. I know it was an all ages show, but it was ridiculous. At least 80% of the people were shorter than me and I'm 5'6".

1 comment:

LadyBoyd said...

I remember that feeling well... I used to feel it all the time, usually? Because I was surrounded by couples and people who wanted to make me part of a couple, whether I wanted it or not. If not them, than alone. Oddly enough? The feeling was WORSE while Hubband was deployed... If you ever want girl time, just call me up and we'll do something and ditch the boy. He can paint my office. :-)

PS Speaking of the boy... you on for Thursday night viewing of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie? Your house guests also invited! He's asked for "no gifts and no cake or anything"... "just the movie". I thought maybe we could convince him to go to Cold Stone at least. :-)